7 Things about money I learned over the 3 years that we have been married
1. Money issues need to be talked about
Many people try to avoid subjects (or really anything) they don’t like or are afraid of. You have to face the giants. If your finances are a mess, you have to face up to the truth. How can you expect to move a mountain that you refuse to admit exists?
2. Decide what you want to accomplish – together.
In order to succeed financially as a team, you have to have unity. You may not agree about everything, but find those areas that you are in agreement and shoot toward those goals. They will be a lot easier to attain if you are both putting focused energy towards them rather than pulling against each other for your own thing.
3. Realize that you balance each other out
This might not be the case for everyone, but for my wife and I, this was clearly one of the reasons God brought us together. We both bring different financial mindsets to the table and it keeps us in proper balance. If one is a spender and the other is a saver, I got news for you: it is probably by design. If my wife were just like me, we would be living an unbalanced life, probably saving too much for the future and focusing not enough on today. We both bring balance to each other’s life financially. In our case, we both had to make sacrifices to meet in the middle, but because of it we are living more in line with God’s best for us.
4. Support your spouse (yes, even if they have problems)
It is so critically important to cut each other some slack and allow your spouse an opportunity to grow. None of us are perfect and we all have areas to grow in. Part of the growing process involves making mistakes, so if your spouse isn’t being as financially disciplined as you are – cut him/her some slack. If you are constantly nagging your spouse about money (or anything for that matter) it doesn’t give them much incentive to change and it keeps them from being open with you about their failures. Being able to encourage each other when either one of you fails is very important.
5. A budget is necessary
Living on a budget is different for a single person than it is for a married couple. Let me say, I think everyone should use some sort of a budget, but especially married couples. The reason being is that a single person who doesn’t budget ultimately knows the responsibility for the bills, debt, consequences, etc. will fall on them. When a couple lives without a budget they both can be secretly thinking, “well I will let my spouse take care of it,” and things can fall through the cracks. Having a budget creates an unbiased system to hold both parties accountable for their actions.
6. Individual spending money is necessary
It is way too much of a hassle to have to discuss EVERY purchase you make. Each person needs a specific (and small) amount that they can spend however they choose – but just like allowance, no more when it is gone. It has worked well for us to make this cash solely for individual purchases – going out to eat, clothes, buying food for potluck at work, etc – misc things. You can look at how we manage our money, but basically 95% goes to our joint accounts to pay our bills, pay debt, common saving goals, etc. The remaining 5% gets divided between us for our individual interests.
7. Eliminate sources of strife
This was eye-opening to me. When we first got married, we paid for gas for our own car out of our individual spending money. It just seemed logical to me and seemed like it would work fine. We only had a limited amount of spending money for each of us and it would be enough to cover the gas for the week and other miscellaneous things we needed like I mentioned above.
The problem arose when in a very subtle way – we both seemed to be keeping a mental list of how often we drove places together in each other’s car. And of course, we both often thought that we were driving our car more than the other person. We really were not selfish in other areas of our marriage, but that one small thing was causing unnecessary strife. Now we pay for all of the gas out of a joint account – problem solved.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally agree with the need for couples to work on a budget, while leaving space for individual choices. However, you also need to think of new avenues for generating income. One example is the forex market (foreign exchange). For people who love the financial world and the Internet it’s a great option to consider. There is plenty of information at forex trading education resources, such as ForexFace.com. Such websites include articles on forex basics and on how to choose a forex trading system.
Excellent article. I agree with every point. Without working together, it’s very hard to have an intimidate relationship. How you plan to spend money is based on your values and goals in life. Sharing your plans about money is sharing your values and goals. It’s impossible to separate them.
@Curt
yea, You are right the whole “sharing” thing was a bigger deal than I realized before I got married. Becoming a Sharer is a very important skill to develop when (or preferably before) you get married…
I have also been married just over 3 years. I can certainly agree with the lessons you have learned- and I can say we learned them the hard way.
Before I got married, I was a fiercely independent single mom. What an adjustment it was when we switched to a joint checking account!
One thing we do to eliminate strife is pay the bills together. That way there are no surprises!
@Alyssa
Your point on paying the bills together is a good one. We have had instances where we were both thinking different things because we didn’t pay them together. Generally, I take the responsibility for them, but it definitely helps when both are on the same page.
All are excellent points. I’ve been learning three and four in the last six months or so. Oftentimes, bringing up the action/behavior you didn’t like causes more trouble then it’s worth. So what if my husband spent $3 on shampoo when I only would have spent $1 (from combining a coupon with a sale)? Those $2 aren’t going to derail our entire life. It keeps the mood in our house much happier if I say, “Thanks for getting shampoo, Honey!” then if I say “Why did you buy shampoo? I had a coupon for that and we could have saved $2″. Tough lesson to learn, though, sometimes…
@Frugal vet tech
great point… I need to work on that one myself – or so my wife would say
I want to ask you about a friend who is in marriage trouble since she is not allowed to touch any of the money in her husbands accounts. He makes her figure out ways she can by groceries and take care of needs for her kids school things and events etc. She has to figure out ways to pay for insurance and all and any needs. It’s the strangest thing I’ve ever heard of. She, Sue is so stressed out over things that she is litterally getting sick over it. She works in sales and gets commissions, but no regular pay. She can’t switch jobs with the job market these days. She has thoughts of leaving and can’t seem to “feel” love I think because she doesn’t feel loved. She’s barely hanging on. Any advice. She’s a christian and he is, actually, I’m not sure but probably not a christian. Help any one???